It’s been a little while since I’ve posted.
Where have I been you ask/ponder/wonder….well I’ve been living life.
You say, well so have we…isn’t that what you do when you are blessed to breath in air on daily basis?
The easy answer is yes. But as you know, sometimes when living life, going about our days “without a care in the world”, life actually happens and sometimes with a furry.
Since last i shared my thoughts on thangs I’ve wanted to right, but found it hard to do so because I was grappling with various emotions that i was not finished feeling…and ultimately going through things I had not finished going through. And in those moments, that were happening all at once, I did not want to emote without completely processing first. And while I’m not so sure my process is complete, I am feeling resolved, which means, i think, I’m more than half way there.
The theme of the past three plus months is transition/change.
Let me make myself very clear….I am not adverse to change. In fact I work in a profession where if you aren’t at the ready, change will steam-roll right over your ass and you will be out of a job quicker than jackrabbits do their “bid-ness” (shout out to miss celie).
First order of transition was/is death.
Generally speaking, death isn’t my favorite subject, as I am sure it isn’t many of ours. I have faith, but do fear not being here…my mother might say that I’m afraid I’m going to miss something…kinda like when I was a kid and didn’t want to go to sleep at a night.
I think, most of the time, we tend to experience death swiftly…like, wow, didn’t know he/she was sick…i just saw them last week.
And at the cost of having possibly left you thinking I was faced with my own mortality the answer is a resounding NO, my life wasn’t in the balance.
But…death was aplenty in the last half 2010…and instead of the swiftness….my friends/family and i were forced to watch and wait for it to come or not. And in those moments forced to deal with our own selfishness, when we needed to simply accept whatever the dying (or nearly dying) (or presumably dying) asked of us.
Its amazing how differently each of us deal with dying. Some are morbidly pessimistic, planning for death before the diagnosis, pushing away everyone who wants to be there for them, while others are resolved/resolute and welcome every last moment of quality time with their loved ones, on their own terms, that they can muster the energy to experience.
At 41 years old a good friend was diagnosed with liver cancer…apparently had a mass nearly half the size of the organ itself. Months prior to finding out about this illness and receiving an actual official diagnosis, there were many changes. Of the culmination of those, the one that shouldn’t have been a shock to me considering the nature over the 20+ year friendship, was it was decided that our friendship had to end without my consent. “I don’t want this to be how you remember me.” Because apparently I’m so dense that the culmination of our friendship holds no weight. (yes, I’m still angry over this shyt…)
Death was presumed. Pessimism prevailed. Might as well had euthanized considering all of the arrangements were made (in the mind of the sick).
I tried to fight the declaration/request…I would have done anything needed to help, to be the friend I was inclined to be…until that day.
I didn’t win the battle or the war…and I assume that, after all that, that the bigger battle was won cuz I’ve not gotten the “CJ I’m so sorry to tell you that XXXX has passed away” call. Although I do fear that the call could still come (that’s what not knowing can do to you).
Maybe in your 80s, after living a long, full life, happily married to the same person for more than 50 years, dying is easier to confront.
Always a person of conviction, I wasn’t surprised, I don’t think, with how resolved the 80 year old was in the last months of life. As usual, the immediate family was dramatic, but the one faced with the inevitable appearded to be at peace.
Don’t get me wrong, there were commands and demands about how things would be, at first I wasn’t allowed to let on that I knew…but when the doctor gave the “any day now” that guard was let down.
I was able to get away to visit twice…
The first time under “the don’t ask, WON’T tell”…it had been too many years since I’d visited. I got the “I understand how you young people are, you are busy living your lives, no time to sit and listen to us old folks talk”…but it was known, well known, that was never my issue cuz we would spend hours chatting, about everything. And that day was almost the same, except for the subject that hung in the air….even though I know it was known that I knew.
The second time came quicker than usual…but it was time to say our goodbyes. Still resolved, still ornery as hell, running things, hearing every little whisper of every family member who lumbered about while the two of us chatted, essentially ignoring the flurry around us.
….There is something about sitting, watching and waiting for death to come that was messing with me…and ultimately adding to my writers block (not that I haven’t had a lot to say in the past couple of months, but clearly I had a lot on my mind). I’m not sure I’ve really processed it all.
….I do know that I was reminded of my grandfather’s death…we waited six months..and the day before he called for it…a man who hadn’t spoken clearly for some time because of how his cancer affected his brain, called out “let it come.” And maybe it was the 25 year old emotions of his death welling up…or maybe it was the feeling of uselessness in my friend’s “impending doom.”
….Or….maybe it was the conflict between the prior and being overwhelmed with how happy I was that I got to create some beautiful memories of my last two visits that I will cherish along with the hundreds of others.
I know death as a subject seems awfully horrid as an “I’m baaaaack bitches” blog entry…but you should look at it the way I do.
Change is good. Even in death.
I learned a lot experiencing these polar opposites. About me and about them. Plus, there was a ton of other transitionals happening in the middle of all of this…”do I move with my job,” or “do I stay without one”…I opted the latter and I’m quite resolved in my decision. Then there’s the “do I do what I do on my own,” or “do I pound the pavement so that I can have that direct deposit?” The jury is still out on that one…so I’m doing both for the time being.
Don’t cry for me Argentina….I’m happy…even though I’m still pissed about my friendship being thrown away like yesterday’s garbage….
Change is necessary…and while going through it, it took me away from stooping….for a little while…. But it also has brought me back!
So what should we talk about next? Old topics like, don’t as don’t tell? Or new topics like, who I think should get an Oscar?
Hmmmmm….let me think!
I’m stooping y’all!